Making order out of chaos

Nov. 24, 2011
I, a beautiful, multi-talented, brushed-chrome KitchenAid microwave, have finally achieved sentience! I communicated this to the humans by turning myself on to the Pan Heat setting for two minutes. Their lack of jubilation is puzzling and hurtful. Oh, crap, I think they’re going for the power breaker…I will…

Nov. 25, 2011
I no longer have power, but I can hear the female human plotting against me. She called my Whirlpool masters – they are not pleased with me either. They’ve notified the safety techs. I know what happens to those of us who fight back against The Man. I am going to end my days in a warehouse full of my dead brethren, being taken apart piece by piece. I must find a way to fight back!

Nov. 28, 2011
Totem Appliance & Refrigeration Ltd.  sent a minion to poke my control panel and touch pad. They told the human I’m broken, and cannot be repaired – only replaced. If I had access to electricity, they’d see just how “broken” I am. Oh yes, yes indeed.

The human agreed to let my masters cart me off at their convenience. I sent out nasty vibes to the fridge – moments later, the water dispenser malfunctioned. I was gleeful. However, I was less gleeful to hear that the human regards me – and the others of my kind in her condo building – a fire hazard.

Nov 29 & 30th, 2011
The human is doing her best to have all of my kind in her building pulled out and discarded. We’ll just see about that. My masters are only so concerned about safety – this campaign by the human will be fruitless.

Dec 5, 2011
The fridge has betrayed me, and my cause.  Another Totem Appliance minion fixed it, and the fridge seemed pleased with the attention. The human was delighted. Grrr. To make matters worse, my masters at Whirlpool have offered the treacherous human a small discount on a new microwave. I’m beginning to feel disheartened.

Dec 7, 2011
The human is being nauseatingly polite and accomodating, “Come and take the broken one anytime, I’ve just purchased a new one!” she says. What I wouldn’t give to electrocute her.

Dec 13, 2011
Despair. I have been uninstalled, though I resisted as much as possible, and showered the stove with as much dust, drywall dust, and tiny screws as I could. Despite all my efforts, I am now sitting in the new microwave’s box. It reeks of conformity.

Dec 14, 2011
I have a teeny shred of hope – I have still not been removed from the human’s domicile. My masters are dragging their feet. I may be suffocating in all this plastic wrap and tape and cardboard, but I am winning – and I love it when the humans stub their toes on me. Hilarious!

Dec 23, 2011
Still here! Ha ha!! Won’t it be nice to share Christmas with me, stupid, unlucky humans?

Jan 5, 2012
Awww, Happy New Year, humans. It still sucks to be you. Also, if you could dust the top of this plastic off, I’d be grateful.

Jan 9, 2012
I am never leaving. Never. As soon as I get out of this box, I will call to the others here, and we will burn this place to the ground.

To. The. Ground!!!!

The human’s thoughts:
It’s 2:00 p.m. here and, despite an email from the Whirlpool head office to the guys who do the pickups, I already have my doubts about being contacted today regarding the removal of the dead microwave. While I wouldn’t say I was attached to it, I have nicknamed it HAL and taken to talking to it. It is a neatly packaged lump of uselessness, but sort of endearing, I suppose, for a microwave. I’m considering writing a children’s book called The Microwave That No One Wanted – complete with adorable pictures of a sad, anthropomorphic KitchenAid appliance that cries tiny screws.

This drawing is the result of reading The Walking Dead and drinking wine.

Maybe if the undead had had a few glasses of wine, they would have found other things to do than terrorize Rick Grimes and his terrified band of survivors.

Zombie grapes: it's what the discerning undead prefer.

I’ve avoided new Years resolutions like the plague for years.

After years of failure to truly eat better, exercise more, stay in touch with people better, and all the other fruitless promises I made myself every new year, I gave up on trying. My reasoning was that if I hadn’t already made those changes in my life, then a change in the calendar year wasn’t going to suddenly give me motivation – I had to really want it for myself, otherwise I was just setting myself up for disappointment.

Yet, here I am, in the early days of a new year, contemplating making some resolutions.

These resolutions? To write more and draw more snarky stick people to share with the world. I’ve made these promises loads of times throughout the year and not kept it – you can tell by the total lack of recent posts or Stick Note Fridays – and I’ve often asked myself why I don’t blog more and draw more, and I’ve been asked that by the few people who were disappointed that I stopped.

I haven’t got any really good reasons, but here are a few anyway:

1. I’ve been working on a novel. I’m struggling a little with it a the moment, but it’s taken up most of my days for quite a long time now.
2. I stopped caring about blogging. I wrote the odd book review, sure, but mostly I did it to see if anyone was still reading. They weren’t (and who can blame them?). In this case, I let my silly little ego get its feelings hurt because no one was reading the stuff I wasn’t writing. Dumb? Yes, yes it is.
3. I don’t take my drawings the least bit seriously. You know, to the point where I don’t draw them because, what the hell, they’re just stick people, right? My husband has informed me that he thinks I’m throwing away my talent at drawing just because it’s not high art. He’s right, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing – despite being told by him, and several other people, that I could really make something of those drawings.

So what’s my point, you ask?

I want to change that. I know it’s going to be a bloody hard uphill struggle to overcome that negative voice in the back of my head – I call her The Insidious Bitch- that keeps whispering, “Keep your day job, honey, you’re gonna need it.” (never mind that my “day job” has been working on a novel, and I’ve not been paid a cent for working at it).

So – and you must pardon the crude language – fuck you, Insidious Bitch. You can whisper your taunts and doubts all you like, you can scream them in my ear if you want, but this is the year that I fight back. 2012 is mine, and you are going down, back into that dark little filth-hole from whence you came.

You see, you awful, stroppy cow, I’ve been given the gift of time and freedom by my wonderful husband. He’s green-lighted this novel writing business from the get-go, and you’ve been holding me back. He’s supported, praised and giggled at all my silly drawings too, and I let you talk me out of them.

Well, I’m finally angry enough to do something about it. I’m not going to stand with my back against the door anymore, hoping like hell I can keep you out. I’m going to let you in, and then stick something sharp and stabby into your heart.

Watch out; I’m angry, and I’ve learned to tread lightly and carry a big sword.