Category — whining

Hosting a dinner for a couple of friends isn’t terribly hard, but it does require some preparation.

For instance, this Saturday I decided to test out a recipe that I wanted to make for two friends coming over this coming Friday. We have an awesome night of board games, dinner and hanging out planned.

The recipe is called Sirloin Roast Wrapped in Bacon. How can you go wrong with such a recipe? Roast beef? Good. Bacon? Awesome.

So, Joe and I went out and I bought all the ingredients we needed and I have to admit, as I was preparing the roast – slathering on the Dijon mustard, carefully wrapping the roast with bacon (the kind with 25% less salt too – I am considerate of my guest’s arteries) – I felt a surge of as yet unearned pride. There I was, making a meal that would say: “I am an adult. I can host a successful dinner. I am awesome.” A montage played through my head: my guest’s eyes rolling up in their heads in ecstasy as they took the first bite. A ringing of wine glasses as they toasted my prowess in the kitchen. Admiring and envious looks.

Yes, I do have quite the imagination.

I slid the roast into the oven, marveling at my own handiwork and within 30 minutes, I could smell bacon and a hint of the Dijon mustard in the air. I congratulated myself; if the smell was anything to go by, this was going to be great.

Fast-forward to nearly 2 hours later.

The timer on the oven has buzzed; I open the oven door and when the fog clears from my glasses – there she is: the bacon wrapped roast. I break off a tiny piece of crisp bacon. It is perfect.

With great care, I remove the roast from the pan. I take out most of the toothpicks I used to hold some of the bacon and cut in with my sharpest knife and try a little of my masterpiece: it is not good.

The marbled fat that I somehow missed seeing when I purchased the meat is rubbery and disgusting. The Dijon mustard has added a sludgy texture that is reminiscent of flavourless mud. The bacon seems bland and a little soggy. The meat itself is dull – I might as well offer my guests waterlogged wood chips covered in filth and fat.

I have failed.

In fact, dinner was so bad that we ate almost nothing of it (while attempting to watch the movie Trick ‘r’ Treat which was nearly as bad as our dinner) and we tossed most of it straight into the garbage; it was that unsalvageable.

As I was washing the dishes, I saw the whole thing in a new and rather dismal light. I don’t even like Dijon mustard – it doesn’t belong on any food ever. I knew this and still used 1/3 of a jar on the roast. That bacon has 25% less salt – to hell with healthy arteries, everyone knows salt adds flavour! The toothpicks made the roast resemble Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies and it tasted gross!

My confidence in my cooking skills took a dive. My faith in the god-like abilities of bacon to make everything awesome wavered. I felt something like despair. I should have known that a recipe that came with the roasting rack might suck. I mean, it was a $14.00 rack for god’s sake. I doubt Gordon Ramsey would have clipped the it from the package and stuck it in his recipe box like I did.  I should also have known that buying a roast at your local Save On Foods might not be as good as say a butcher’s cut of roast. I might have been able to get the part of the cow that wasn’t riddled with fat if I’d gone to a butcher.

And then I remembered I had beer in the fridge.

So I had one, and I thought some more about my failed adventures in roast beef. Perhaps I wasn’t a failure after all.

I did learn the value of a good cut of meat and I did save my guests from having to eat a disgusting dinner (plus forcing them to choke it down politely because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings) – I hadn’t failed at all.

I just wasted some money and time and made my husband eat a crappy dinner…for the second night in a row…

And then I remembered I had beer in the fridge…

I was going to write a long and flowery apology post about not being around for the last five weeks or so and abandoning this blog (thus adding to the detritus that clutters the Internet) but, instead, I am going to make a list that will explain everything.

Ten Things I Have Learned (Fairly Recently)

1. New Job (which I started five weeks ago) does not mean I must go to work, kill myself actually working for 8 hours of the day and then come home and slump around the house all brain-dead. Joe tells me I am the only person he knows who actually works an entire eight hours and that most people only work six. What I want to know is how do you account for those other two hours on your time sheet? Does your company have a TUA code?
2. I despise heat waves. It hasn’t been going on for five weeks, but it sure feels like it. I want my nice cool Vancouver weather back!
3. I have a seriously skewed view of Other People. I mean, my brain is like a fun house mirror where everyone but me looks glamorous and pretty and does Wonderfully Interesting things. Why do I think like this? I have no idea, but now I know how entirely retarded I am.
4. I need to read more books. Yes, I said it – I need to read more books. This is what comes of sharing a picnic lunch with people who work at a library. I feel so illiterate!
5. I need to spend more time on professional development – perhaps I can use those two hours I’m not supposed to be working for this. I want to learn to use Illustrator and have more time to think about writing and career/job related things so I can get better at what I do.
6. I must stop yelling at my DSi while playing Chrono Trigger. It’s not the DSi’s fault that the people who made this game give you absolutely no idea of what the hell you should be doing at any given time. Of COURSE I was supposed to go back to the room with the spinning wheel – no, no, the other room with the spinning wheel – and listen to the flighty princess in disguise whine. Duh!
7. Trying to plan an uncomplicated wedding is complicated. Come on City of Vancouver – own up to it. This marriage licence + park licence + insurance + marriage commissioner fee for a 10 minute wedding = total scam. You know I’m right. Joe and I will get “married” in the backyard by a hobo at this rate.
8. I enjoy doing nothing. I never thought I did – I used to be Very Productive, now I can do nothing at all with the best of them. Just because I am awake, it does not follow that I must be doing something productive to benefit all of mankind (or my laundry basket).
9. Sleeping in is good.
10. I eat too much popcorn.

So there it is, my list, my apology, my…whatever. It’s good to be getting back to the rest of my life again!

Mornings are a struggle at our house.

It’s bad enough that neither of us feel like working because it’s early, we’re sleepy and honestly, didn’t we do this yesterday? Wasn’t that enough?

And don’t even get me started on my calculations regarding the lack of truly free time on a work day – that is dangerous ground that leads directly to  me ranting and deciding on becoming a hermit in a forest or cave (or a cave in a forest, or whatever).

Knowing all this, I still do the following to poor Joe most mornings:

I’m pretty sure that there are mornings where I almost win (though I think there are more mornings where I’m lucky Joe doesn’t throttle me for making things difficult).

Do you go through this struggle every morning with your significant other (or are you evil like me and instigate the daily attempts to get the other to call in “sick”)?