Don’t worry, I’m not typing this as I take my vows – I’m not that wired in.

I can just imagine what our wedding Tweets would look like:

Rambleicious: OMG!! I’m married!!1!

Joe: OMG – I’m having her committed!

I am writing this in the past to post in the future so you can read it in what is now your present.

Yes – I am a time travelling bride.

And…

OMG!! I’m married! Woo!!

Trying to plan the speech has brought up any number of interesting etiquette issues. I’ve heard some great and terrible speeches made at wedding receptions and after thinking over those stories, I compiled a list of some of the things that I feel are best avoided:

Ex-girlfriends and Ex-boyfriends: No one, especially the happy couple, wants or needs to hear the sordid details of the bride or groom’s past relationships. It’s always tempting to talk about how much happier your friend is with her new husband, rather than the mouth-breather she was dating before. However, her wedding might not be the best forum for that.

Sex Life: This is a huge no-no. Telling the assembled guests “I knew when I heard Laura and Luke going at it for the FIFTH time on the first date that she was going to marry him.” This area is all heart-attack material for someone’s grandmother. It’s also downright tasteless and crude.

Bodily Functions: and again with the heart-attack material. So the groom is flatulent; presumably his new wife knows this and the rest of the wedding guests can live without that little tidbit.

Hatred: if you dislike the bride or groom, keep it to yourself. In fact, you might want to consider simply not making a speech of any kind. The bride and groom clearly aren’t interested in your approval of their union or the wedding would never have happened.

Drunkenness: Make the speech while you’re sober. Drunken people have a tendency to ad-lib and embellish. Also, keep those stories about the bride’s little tequila bender under wraps. Yes, she threw up prodigiously and made out with some guy on the dance floor and it was funny, but that’s a story for another time and place.

Rambling: this usually goes with drunkenness (or just being really nervous). If the idea of public speaking makes you sweaty, prepare notes and keep it short.

I think the only appropriate speeches are the ones that involve the couple. A sweet or silly story about their courtship, how they met, their first date and if you don’t know them well enough for that (or all the stories you could tell involve one of the above mentioned subjects) a sincere and heart-felt congratulations and best wishes is all you need.

This is the happy couple’s Big Day, so humiliating one, or both, of them is not a good idea. Especially as it seems that the embarrassing and humiliating stories are always the ones where suddenly Uncle Walter has the camera in focus and the sound is working perfectly.

The speech I have planned is mildly embarrassing (nothing inappropriate) and I think Jen and Barry will get a giggle out of it.

Once I’ve been to the reception and given the speech, I’ll post it here so people can read it.