Category — listy goodness

Nov. 24, 2011
I, a beautiful, multi-talented, brushed-chrome KitchenAid microwave, have finally achieved sentience! I communicated this to the humans by turning myself on to the Pan Heat setting for two minutes. Their lack of jubilation is puzzling and hurtful. Oh, crap, I think they’re going for the power breaker…I will…

Nov. 25, 2011
I no longer have power, but I can hear the female human plotting against me. She called my Whirlpool masters – they are not pleased with me either. They’ve notified the safety techs. I know what happens to those of us who fight back against The Man. I am going to end my days in a warehouse full of my dead brethren, being taken apart piece by piece. I must find a way to fight back!

Nov. 28, 2011
Totem Appliance & Refrigeration Ltd.  sent a minion to poke my control panel and touch pad. They told the human I’m broken, and cannot be repaired – only replaced. If I had access to electricity, they’d see just how “broken” I am. Oh yes, yes indeed.

The human agreed to let my masters cart me off at their convenience. I sent out nasty vibes to the fridge – moments later, the water dispenser malfunctioned. I was gleeful. However, I was less gleeful to hear that the human regards me – and the others of my kind in her condo building – a fire hazard.

Nov 29 & 30th, 2011
The human is doing her best to have all of my kind in her building pulled out and discarded. We’ll just see about that. My masters are only so concerned about safety – this campaign by the human will be fruitless.

Dec 5, 2011
The fridge has betrayed me, and my cause.  Another Totem Appliance minion fixed it, and the fridge seemed pleased with the attention. The human was delighted. Grrr. To make matters worse, my masters at Whirlpool have offered the treacherous human a small discount on a new microwave. I’m beginning to feel disheartened.

Dec 7, 2011
The human is being nauseatingly polite and accomodating, “Come and take the broken one anytime, I’ve just purchased a new one!” she says. What I wouldn’t give to electrocute her.

Dec 13, 2011
Despair. I have been uninstalled, though I resisted as much as possible, and showered the stove with as much dust, drywall dust, and tiny screws as I could. Despite all my efforts, I am now sitting in the new microwave’s box. It reeks of conformity.

Dec 14, 2011
I have a teeny shred of hope – I have still not been removed from the human’s domicile. My masters are dragging their feet. I may be suffocating in all this plastic wrap and tape and cardboard, but I am winning – and I love it when the humans stub their toes on me. Hilarious!

Dec 23, 2011
Still here! Ha ha!! Won’t it be nice to share Christmas with me, stupid, unlucky humans?

Jan 5, 2012
Awww, Happy New Year, humans. It still sucks to be you. Also, if you could dust the top of this plastic off, I’d be grateful.

Jan 9, 2012
I am never leaving. Never. As soon as I get out of this box, I will call to the others here, and we will burn this place to the ground.

To. The. Ground!!!!

The human’s thoughts:
It’s 2:00 p.m. here and, despite an email from the Whirlpool head office to the guys who do the pickups, I already have my doubts about being contacted today regarding the removal of the dead microwave. While I wouldn’t say I was attached to it, I have nicknamed it HAL and taken to talking to it. It is a neatly packaged lump of uselessness, but sort of endearing, I suppose, for a microwave. I’m considering writing a children’s book called The Microwave That No One Wanted – complete with adorable pictures of a sad, anthropomorphic KitchenAid appliance that cries tiny screws.

After three weeks away with the faeries, I came back to find I’d been tagged in a meme by Pannonica. Who am I to not answer the call?

Here’s the fine print and rules and all that:

• Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post.
• Share 7 facts about yourself in the post.
• Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names and links to their blogs.
• Let them know they’ve been tagged.

Seven facts about me:

1. I enjoy getting these “all about me” sort of memes. Where else is it so acceptable and even expected to talk about yourself incessantly. I don’t know too many people who truly hate talking about themselves and these let you rattle on and on!
2. I enjoy cleaning messy things – stoves, bathrooms, bedrooms…whatever. I like seeing things well organized and clean. It gives me warm fuzzies that are second only to putting on warm socks fresh out of the dryer.
3. I am usually pretty generous with my things except for popcorn and books. I DO NOT share popcorn. Period. Get your own and keep your greedy eyes away from mine. I will share my books, but I am the nastiest librarian ever. When I say I want that book back in exactly the same condition I lent it out in – I really mean it.
4. I have an absolute horror of being late for things. If we’re meeting at 6 for dinner, you can bet I was in the neighbourhood at 5 (and sitting in nearby coffee shop checking my watch obsessively) and I will be no less than 15 minutes early for our date.
5. My book collection is organized like Chapters. Children’s books in one section, classic literature in another etc. I tried putting them on the shelves in alphabetical order by author, but I could never find anything. I expect to find Dickens and Austen keeping company and that my collection of hard cover Twilight books will be in general fiction.
6. Which leads to…I liked the Twilight books. No, I do not have any shame. I mean sure, they are silly and obsessive and even creepy at times – but the 16 year old girl in me LOVED them! The adult I was supposed to become thinks they’re ridiculous, but I never listen to her much anyway.
7. I believe that being a kid for the rest of my life is an honourable aspiration. It allows me to still believe in things I can’t see, own crayons and a couple of colouring books, play with toys when I’m feeling silly and adore cartoons. Plus, I still think that Sugar Crisp cereal with chocolate milk is fantastic!

Now for the dreaded tagging – but you don’t have to participate if you don’t want to (or Pan got to you first):

• The DailyDish – because now that she’s moved and got her pretty blue garbage bags out for collection, I feel OK about being nosy.
• Nate – anyone who can write about Guitar Hero as science is someone I need to know more stuff about.
• Lens Impressions – I’m hoping she’ll write one on Waldi’s behalf because honestly, that dog is ridiculously adorable. And I want photos too.
• Romi – I’m just nosy – her site is more entertaining than People magazine and her facts will be hilarious.
• Free and Flawed – She already shares lots about her life – but the public need to hear more is not so easily sated. Plus, she draws stick people too!
• CurlyWurlyGurly – Come oooonnnnn – all the cool kids are doing it!!

OK, that’s only six people, but I never said I would follow the rules.

I know, it’s been done a million times – the old “search term” blog post; the post that proves you had nothing to say to anyone but felt the need to talk anyway.

I never said I was a creative genius. So, here they are; the search terms that have led people here since my first post (and my comments in parentheses):

• cthulhu whore (wtf?)
• using Valtrex instead of condoms (not a good idea btw)
• stick people
• facebook ettiquette, ex-girlfriends (so much I could say, so little time)
• erotic stories
• peeing -dog toilet “stick figure” (and again…wtf?)
• french stripper names
• darth vader’s penis (“Hey baby, wanna see my light sabre?” – oh come on, YOU were thinking it too!)
• “his dirty bare feet”
• wie spritzt der same aus dem penis (Google translate says it means: “such as injecting the same from the penis.”)
• addicted to pens (Whoever you are, me too! And I love you!)
• sneaky blueberries
• can you still get an STD after a vasectomy (Yes. Wrap it up you moron.)
• barbarian screaming

These are just the ones I found amusing. Anyone else want to share some of the more amusing (or horrifying) search terms that have brought them traffic?