Here are a few things the awful ads have in common:

• Misspelled words
• Excessive punctuation and/or use of the Caps Lock key
• Photos of messy, dirty, and/or damaged apartments
• Blurry, dark, and/or useless photos
• No photos at all (which I prefer over blurry, dark and/or useless)
• Lack of information (maps, prices, general neighbourhood/area, etc.)
• Misleading information
• Confrontational tone of voice

For example, this is very similar to one of the ads I looked at today:

$980. COOZY GRND. LVL. 1 BR APPT. FOR MAR. 1. SHARED LOUNDRY, NS, NP. IF U DONT LIEK KIDS OR DOGS…DONT BOTHER CALLING!!!! CALL AFTER 6 P.M. & ASK FOR LINDA OR STEVE. THX.

Ooh! It has a corner! We'll take it!

That ad, along with the useless photo, doesn’t make me giddy at the prospect of even seeing it, never mind living in it. Still there are lessons to be learned from this:

1. ‘Ground level’ (or, GRND. LVL.) is just fancy talk for,  ’basement suite’ – the windows will be small, high up, and may or may not open.
2. ‘Cozy’ is code for ‘very small/cramped/poorly laid out’.
3. Shared laundry – well, that’s obvious, but be prepared for them to have a schedule where you get the washer and dryer one day a week.
4. Any mention of kids and dogs means, “We didn’t insulate for noise, and we don’t want you bitching about it like the last tenant did.”

So, what should a good ad look like since I’m such a know it all? Well, like this:

1 bedroom in ground level suite of private home available for March 1st. $980/month.

Features:

• 650 sq. ft.
• 1 full bath
• Radiant floor heating (mix of hardwood and tile flooring)
• Full-sized kitchen appliances (no DW, sorry!)
• Private entrance
• Full access to backyard and the BBQ!
• W & D (shared)
• tenant responsible for 30% of Hydro (bill is averaged out, you pay same total ea. month)
• NS and NP

You are responsible for hookup of your own phone, Internet, cable TV, etc.

We’re located on the west side of Family Friendly Park in Awesomeville, only two blocks from the main bus route into downtown, and a 15 minute bus ride to grocery stores, shops and restaurants.

Please note that we are looking for a single tenant (or mature student) who doesn’t mind a little noise overhead – we have two dogs and two young and active children. Our dogs are friendly, but are not good with other people’s pets, and they can be a little territorial.

Call [phone number] anytime between 6 and 9:30 p.m. and ask for Linda or Steve – we look forward to showing you your new home!

Then, the ad would show pictures of the bedroom (the whole bedroom, not just a corner), the kitchen, the living room, and bathroom. These photos would all be well lit, include as much of the room as possible, and the rooms would be tidy. Bonus points for posting the dimensions of the living room and bedroom, so prospective tenants can figure out if their stuff would fit into the space.

Nearly everyone has a digital camera – even if it’s just their phone – and access to a computer. And, if you’re selling or renting something, you’re in a position to know all the details about the thing to be sold or rented – so why not share the details? Save yourself the hassle of answering inquiries from people who would never have called in the first place if you’d provided the details up front.

Joe and I have sold a few things on Craigslist (laptop bag, a living room set, a winter coat, and a stationary bike), complete with clear, detailed photos, dimensions, and even links to the original product where that was an option. I got quite a bit of the original price back in those sales, mostly because people could see exactly what they were getting – no surprises. If you want your asking price, make the effort to show why they should pay it.

Why do I care since I’m not actually looking to rent a place, or buy anything I’ve seen on Craigslist? Well, poorly written and badly explained sales pitches and ads annoy me. It irks me to see people who want to make money and/or get rid of something, do everything in their power to ensure they won’t make a dime or sell anything.

So, Craigslist posters, “coozy” up to a dictionary, learn to take a decent and reasonably meaningful photograph, and maybe – just maybe – someone will “liek” your posting enough to buy or rent whatever you’re offering!

“What the hell am I supposed to do about my skinny 10 year old begging me to let her go on a diet? I have told her again and again that she’s not fat that she is skinny but she’s not believing me. Any suggestions?”

Is this really the state of things now? Ten year old girls who feel so crappy about their bodies that they beg to go on diets?

But, then I think back to being ten, about the little clique of mean girls in my class who made fun of my clothes, my hair, my lack of fashion and verve and chic. These little girls had the super cool jelly shoes, their cute pink runners were covered in friendship pins, their arms were festooned with the jelly bracelets that were so popular. Me? Not so much. Even my sturdy and serviceable school supplies were fodder for these girls! They had Tweety Bird Trapper-Keepers and pencil cases covered in the coolest cartoon characters. I had normal pencils and plain plastic binders.

I remember feeling so angry that my mother refused to spend the extra cash on the cooler stuff – I didn’t care if it broke or lasted or not, I just wanted to be like everyone else.

I wanted to be prettier, more fashionable, I wanted boys to think I was pretty and smart (but not too smart, not smarter than him anyway).  I was always skinny as a kid, and later that became an issue too. All my friends started getting boobs and I remained flat-chested. They started to have curves, and I had the shape of a ruler. Even being skinny didn’t make me happy.

Maybe it isn’t so far-fetched after all that ten year old girls feel pressured to look a certain way – we pressure each other into unrealistic behaviour and expectations all the time.

I’ve sometimes wished I could travel back in time and tell my ten year old self (and some of my older selves too) a few things:

1. The people making fun of you are not happy with themselves either. They are making fun of you so you won’t have the chance to make fun of them first.
2. Being smart is awesome (I think it’s cooler now to be smart anyway, but I could be wrong).
3. While others spend their lives chasing trends and purchasing the latest gadgets to look cool, you will actually be cool by not wasting your time and money.  This stuff becomes obsolete and passé faster than you can pay it off, so if you don’t actually need it, re-think buying it.
4. If you have a passion for something, pursue it – and don’t let anyone, not even your parents, discourage you.
5. Being a jerk to other people will not make you feel better about yourself. The little high you get from spreading your misery doesn’t last.
6. Don’t bother with magazines that tell you how to look or act to please someone else. Read a science magazine or a good book instead.
7. Starving yourself will make you tired, mean and unhappy. Don’t do it.
8. You only get the one set of eyes, so if you need glasses, wear them. You don’t look dorky.
9. Wear whatever you feel happiest in and remember, all those other girls in the skinny jeans and tight tops are horribly uncomfortable and self-conscious.
10. It’s OK to listen to music you actually like and to listen to lots of different kinds of music. It’s good to have broader tastes than the just the top 40.
11. The people you see on TV and in magazines don’t look like that in real life. They look perfect because they have a team of make-up artists, professional photographers, special lighting and an army of Photoshop experts working on them. It’s not real and it’s not worth striving for.
12. It’s OK to stop being friends with people who are never there for you, or have no interest in your life or you as a person. Be polite, but save your friendship for people who really care about you, and for whom you really care in return.

I would also tell my younger self that once you get to university, things begin to change for the better. The little cliques and self-important assholes you went to school with either move away (hurrah!) or go to the same school, but are suddenly a lot less important.

In university, you’re still going to meet a lot of jackasses, but their hoity-toity, holier-than-thou crap will be largely academic snobbery – and that is always amusing to laugh at. Later, in the work force, you’ll meet more people who never really left elementary school or high school in terms of how they think. They will still be bullies, still never listen to anyone but themselves and their little crowd of butt-kissers and they will still be miserable.

You won’t be able to change any of them, but you can choose to not become one of them.

So, ten year old (and current) self, be happy. Don’t worry about trying to please people you don’t actually like – you will never win that battle. Wear what you want, follow your passions, eat cheese fries sometimes and let the mean people of this world just pass you by.

Today’s sticky note is my take on the text version of that video on Fast Seduction 101 (probably NSFW).