Category — family

Before I even begin the post I need to state this plainly: I did not write this to garner pity or condolences. I’m writing because I’m curious about my own thoughts and about yours.

To be blunt, my Grandad is dying. He knows this, the DNR is signed and he’s in a good frame of mind all things considered.

When I first found out, my immediate and emotional response was to get myself on a plane to Ontario and go see him and the rest of the family. I can’t change the inevitable, but I hoped I could maybe do something useful (pretty nebulous thought really) and more selfishly there is a part of me that thought, “If I don’t see him now, I’ll feel horribly guilty later.”

Apparently some relatives of my Grandad’s in the U.K. had the same idea and wanted to fly here to see him. My Grandad was not at all happy about this and said no.

For my grandparents (and probably most people),  visitors create an obligation to entertain – to be civil, polite, cheerful and, well, entertaining. When these same visitors are there because you’re ill (and especially if you’re terminally ill) it creates the additional obligation of being kind, reassuring and soothing to alleviate any possible guilt your guests might feel about your illness or death.

And that last part is what bothers me now: how did something as personal as death become more about the people left behind and less about the person facing their own death?

How is my need to feel OK after he’s gone more important than his need now to spend whatever time remains to him with his wife of 60 years?

I’ve decided it isn’t.

Visitors are trying when you’re sick. They see you at your worst – weak, tired, loopy on pain medication, or just in pain and cranky. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be dying, but I can imagine the annoyance of having people seeking comfort and some kind of absolution from me when all I want to do is sleep or maybe just daydream a bit.

I have no aversion to his being ill or even seeing him sick – he’s always going to be Grandad to me. My love, respect and regard for him will never change. However, whether or not I have an aversion to seeing him now, he has asked for space and quiet; denying him that and forcing him to endure a visit that will tire him so I can feel better would be extremely disrespectful.

So, I’m staying in Vancouver until I get that final phone call. I saw him last November when he was still reasonably well and we got to hang out, talk, poke fun at stuff and share a nice meal together.

I get updates from Mum about them and she’ll let me know the days they might be up for a brief phone call just to say hello and share a little news – otherwise that’s all.

It still makes me feel utterly useless, but all I can offer is whatever they ask for.

What are your thoughts?

First of all, please go visit my friend Suze at her very excellent blog Work in Progress. Suze has brought laughter to my Saturday night by sharing the following video on her blog and I felt the need to pay it forward:

Prop 8 – the musical.

I would have embedded the video, but WordPress was not willing to co-operate – the above link will take you directly to the video.

Anyway, please go watch this – it’s hilarious (Jack Black as Jesus!), Neil Patrick Harris sings (awesome!) and they give you information about how to support the LGBTQ community (do it!) and with any luck, defeat Proposition 8.

I’m here in Kitchener, Ontario watching the snow fall and trying to keep Alliison’s cat off the laptop keyboard.

It’s been a pretty relaxing visit so far. Usually I get hauled around in the car like a mostly inanimate object so I can visit with various relatives, but the car rides have been minimal this time and mostly to do fun things like shopping.

I have been to see both sets of grandparents though – which was really the whole purpose for the trip anyway.

Soon we’re off to pick up a few groceries and then we’re going to watch romantic comedies and Christmas movies all day.

How is your weekend going?