Does dying create obligations?
Before I even begin the post I need to state this plainly: I did not write this to garner pity or condolences. I’m writing because I’m curious about my own thoughts and about yours.
To be blunt, my Grandad is dying. He knows this, the DNR is signed and he’s in a good frame of mind all things considered.
When I first found out, my immediate and emotional response was to get myself on a plane to Ontario and go see him and the rest of the family. I can’t change the inevitable, but I hoped I could maybe do something useful (pretty nebulous thought really) and more selfishly there is a part of me that thought, “If I don’t see him now, I’ll feel horribly guilty later.”
Apparently some relatives of my Grandad’s in the U.K. had the same idea and wanted to fly here to see him. My Grandad was not at all happy about this and said no.
For my grandparents (and probably most people), visitors create an obligation to entertain – to be civil, polite, cheerful and, well, entertaining. When these same visitors are there because you’re ill (and especially if you’re terminally ill) it creates the additional obligation of being kind, reassuring and soothing to alleviate any possible guilt your guests might feel about your illness or death.
And that last part is what bothers me now: how did something as personal as death become more about the people left behind and less about the person facing their own death?
How is my need to feel OK after he’s gone more important than his need now to spend whatever time remains to him with his wife of 60 years?
I’ve decided it isn’t.
Visitors are trying when you’re sick. They see you at your worst – weak, tired, loopy on pain medication, or just in pain and cranky. I can’t imagine what it must be like to be dying, but I can imagine the annoyance of having people seeking comfort and some kind of absolution from me when all I want to do is sleep or maybe just daydream a bit.
I have no aversion to his being ill or even seeing him sick – he’s always going to be Grandad to me. My love, respect and regard for him will never change. However, whether or not I have an aversion to seeing him now, he has asked for space and quiet; denying him that and forcing him to endure a visit that will tire him so I can feel better would be extremely disrespectful.
So, I’m staying in Vancouver until I get that final phone call. I saw him last November when he was still reasonably well and we got to hang out, talk, poke fun at stuff and share a nice meal together.
I get updates from Mum about them and she’ll let me know the days they might be up for a brief phone call just to say hello and share a little news – otherwise that’s all.
It still makes me feel utterly useless, but all I can offer is whatever they ask for.
What are your thoughts?
9 comments
I think your Grandparents want space and since your Grandpa is dying, I think their request should be met. I agree it does seem selfish to impose a visit just so you or your relatives don’t feel guilty but that visit would tire him out and decrease his quality of life.
Phone calls, emails, letters, etc would be a welcome alternative.
@ bFlat – that’s pretty much how I’m viewing it – so I’ll call when they’re up for it and otherwise let them have the time they need.
I’m sorry to hear about your Grandfather. My sympathies to you and your family.
I think you’re right – a person’s desire to go visit a dying relative is more selfish than we might think. I’m sure your grandfather knows you’re thinking of him and wishing him the best.
Big hugs Renee…
I both agree with you for the most part, however I think that it depends on the situation of the one who is dying.
When my grandmother passed away she had no one, my grandfather had passed away years ago, and all of her close friends were gone. For her, having her children and their families surrounding her with love as she passed away was very important, or at least, that is my hope.
I guess my question would be, are all visitors unwanted?
oh, renee…i’m so sorry to hear about your grandfather. if he isn’t interested in visitors, maybe you can just mail some cards to him (and your grandma–she needs support too!)
cards and notes with pictures are great because they can be read over and over, when your grandfather is feeling up to it.
take care of yourself. i’m thinking of you.
@ suze – Thank you
I think my desire to see him now is largely selfish – and he’s made it clear that he needs time and quiet – not visitors making a fuss. Really, it’s just Grandad being Grandad!
@ Tynan – I don’t think all visitors are unwanted, but a houseful over overseas guests might be a bit taxing on someone who’s already feeling about as low as it gets. If he were alone it might be another story.
@ natalie – thank you
I will be sending along notes and cards and photos. I figure that, like you said, he can look at them when he’s up for it. 
**Just a general note, thank you for all being so understanding! It’s good to know there are people taking a moment to send out good thoughts to my family! You guys are the best!
All my sympathy, Renee.
I don’t know your grandfather at all, but I knew mine, and he didn’t like being made a fuss over – of course, his last wishes were also adamant about not having a funeral because he didn’t want to be the cause of a bunch of people standing around being sad. He figured people should just get on with their lives.
That said, most all of his family did manage to visit him. Your grandparents probably don’t want to have a house full of guests that do create some degree of obligation while they are already having a difficult time. But I think if you could discreetly arrange to stay nearby, and visit them one afternoon or evening outside of mealtimes (so they feel less obligation toward you), they’d probably be happy to see you.
well on an unrelated, and much happier note the toy waldi was using was his squrrel. He has subsiquently disembowled the little guy so we have stuffing under all of the furniture and bed.
Sorry to hear about your grandad, but Becky speaks for both of us on the matter. Honistly, if I was in his shoes, I’d want to spend it loopy and silly with Becky
sorry, forgot to spell check…..
as you can see 5 years of college has not helped me spell for shit.
Leave a Comment