A letter to Sleep

Dearest Sleep,

Why? Why do you elude me?

For weeks now I have been waiting for you – waiting for that moment to slip under your dark waves and drift, but you never come.

Instead, I am left here to stumble into sleep, falling headlong into places I know nothing of without the benefit of your gentle guidance. I wake up in the small hours with the lights still burning, a book fallen from my hands onto the floor and strange thoughts rioting in my brain.

I have no words for how much I miss and desire you, but I feel I must try!

Recently I had some thoughts – only thoughts! – of getting up earlier than usual to see if I could accomplish more in my waking hours. I assure you, my heart’s darling, they were only thoughts and not definite plans. You know my mind better than anyone and perhaps you saw these thoughts and assumed that I meant for them to become reality.

I can never criticize you but, in this one instance, you were mistaken.

For countless nights before these weeks I came to you with nothing but anticipation and absolute trust. I lay in the dark and offered up my conscious mind to your infinite care with no other thought than to be led down the strange pathways that I can walk only with you.

You have shown me people and places, past and present, that I might never have seen otherwise. Allowed me the chance to speak with people that I otherwise have no contact with. A few times you have shown me things beyond the earth I know and I have seen and felt things so much larger than myself – I have experienced infinity and intense joy all with and because of you.

These past few weeks have been a misery. I am tired to the point of weeping, slow-witted, dull and restless. I am useless to myself and the world at large without you. You are the guardian of my solitude and my dreams. My ability to be in the world as a whole person depends greatly on you.

Can you still doubt my love for you?

What more can I lay at your feet than my trust, love, fidelity and everything contained within my mind – things that even I have not seen yet!

Please – please forgive that errant thought and know that it would never have come to pass.

I will continue to wait for you for as long as it takes to earn your forgiveness.

All my love and thoughts are with you, wherever you may be.

Yours,

R.